


Ease My Mind

by Alltimefro



Series: Sing To Me Instead [2]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Singing, Sunrises, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Treebros
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-09
Updated: 2019-03-09
Packaged: 2019-11-14 12:31:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18052550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alltimefro/pseuds/Alltimefro
Summary: Its been months since the talent show, Evan and Connor decided to stay with Evan's mother over the college's Christmas break. Evan can't sleep so he goes to play his mother's old piano. He doesn't notice Connor also following him downstairs.





	Ease My Mind

Evan glanced at the clock through blurred eyes. The numbers were obnoxiously bright as they cast a dim orange glow over the room.

 

4:56 AM.

 

Evan laid back and returned to staring at the white ceiling above him. In the dark it almost looked grey. He spent a while slowly inspecting the small imperfections in the old paint willing himself to feel even the slightest hint of sleep.

It didn’t come.

Evan knew, by now, no matter how much he tried sleep wouldn’t come.

He looked over at the man next to him and let out a quiet sigh. Connor rarely slept this peacefully, his mind also had a bad habit of being too loud when all he needed was a little quiet. Connor had decided to stay with him and his mother over the holiday, during the first semester at college he had decided it was best to avoid spending too much time with his father. But that was a thing that is best not thought about when you’re trying to get to sleep. Zoe and Cynthia were planning to come over and visit him in a few days, Evan wasn’t sure how he felt about that. That was another thing he shouldn’t be thinking about when trying to fall asleep.

 

He glanced back at the clock, the glowing orange digits telling him only three minutes had passed since he last checked. He sighed again and sat up, looking back at the other boy as his feet touched the worn carpet of his room. Evan shuffled out of his bedroom door, closing it quietly and not noticing the other boy slowly waking up.

 

Evan carefully picked his way down the stairs, he still had a mental map of which creaked and where memorised. He walked almost silently into the kitchen, supressing the shiver that ran up his spine as his bare feet made contact with the cold tile. He poured himself a glass of water and wandered slowly into the living room. He set his glass onto the small table and paced from one wall to the other, admiring the colour change of the carpet marking his well-worn path across the room as he watched his feet place themselves in front of each other of their own accord. He paused when his eyes settled on the brown piano tucked against the wall. After silently making his way over to it he gently reached out to rest his hand on the surface. Evan felt his shoulders relax as his hand made contact with the cold wood, like his body was letting out a sigh of relief he didn’t know he was holding in.

He carefully lifted the wooden cover from the keys and settled onto the rickety stool. The same stool that he sat on while he still couldn’t reach the floor with his feet. The same stool his mother used to sit on with him and show him which keys to press, while his father sat on the chair in the corner, watching over the newspaper held in front of him.

A wave of sadness and guilt washed over the anxious boy, he shook his head as if it would dislodge the thoughts from his mind. Evan’s fingers gently pressed the keys, closing his eyes to enjoy the quiet sounds the instrument made.

 

“You never told me you can play,” Connor’s voice snapped Evan from his peaceful daze. Evan turned quickly, nearly falling off of the stool as it rocked dangerously.

“You never asked,” Evan said distantly before blushing a deep shade of red, “oh my god, that was rude, sorry”

“don’t be,” Connor said huffing out a laugh, “seriously though, how did you learn?” Connor said leaning on the doorway between the sitting room and the kitchen. Evan turned back to the piano, wringing his fingers together nervously. “Mom taught me, when I was a kid. How did you think I wrote that song,” Evan looked up at the small trophy from the talent show, now sitting comfortably on the top of the small piano, catching Connor also glancing at the gold plated figurine. Evan returned to playing the piano quietly while Connor settled into the old armchair in the corner of the small living room; the same one Evan’s father used to sit in. After all, it did have the best view of the piano.

“have you written anything else?”

“one or two things…” Evan answered quietly.

“sing one for me, please,” came Connor’s quiet voice from behind Evan. 

Evan shot Connor a small glare but began to play the introduction to a new song. Evan quickly glanced back at Connor, feeling more confident as he took in the taller boy’s sleepy appearance as he watched the dark sky outside the safety of the room.

Evan closed his eyes as his fingers gently pressed the keys, he took a deep breath before beginning to sing.

 

_“Most days I wake up with a pit in my chest_

_There are thoughts that I can put to rest_

_There’s a worry that I can’t place_

_Most nights, I am restless and quiet won’t come_

_So I lay there and wait for the sun_

_There’s a trouble that won’t show its face”_

Evan didn’t dare to open his eyes, not sure what he would see if he did. He pushed down the small rise of anxiety. He hadn’t realised which song he was playing until now. This was too honest. Too telling. He quickly glanced to Connor, and soon relaxed when he saw the kind and loving expression still on his face, although his eyebrows were held together in concentration as he listened intently to the words slipping from Evan’s mouth.

 

_“you came out of nowhere and you cut through all the noise_

_I make sense of the madness when I listen to your voice_

_Darling, only you can ease my mind_

_Help me leave these lonely thoughts behind_

_When they pull me under, and I can feel my sanity start to unwind_

_Darling, only you can ease my mind”_

Evan looked up through his eyelashes, his eyes met Connor’s for a second, the blue eyes were full of pride and adoration, the same as when Evan had locked gazes with the long-haired boy from the small wooden stage of the school theatre. He turned back to the piano and continued to sing gently, watching as his hands played the notes he knew so well.

_“I’ll admit, for a moment I felt so afraid_

_Just to show you the mess that I made_

_There are pieces I usually hide_

_But when you collect me with your steady hand_

_With a language that I understand_

_I feel put back together inside_

_You came out of nowhere and you cut through all the noise_

_I make sense of the madness, when I listen to your voice_

_Oh Darling, only you can ease my mind_

_Oh help me leave these lonely thoughts behind_

_When they pull me under, and I can feel my sanity stat to unwind_

_Darling, only you can ease my mind_

_Darling, only you can ease my mind_

_Help me leave these lonely thoughts behind_

_When they pull me under, and I can feel my sanity start to unwind_

_Darling, only you can ease my mind.”_

Evan finished the song but didn’t move, he sat hunched over the piano with his fingers shaking gently on top of the cool, white keys. He didn’t know when the first tears had slipped from his closed eyes, but they were flowing freely now. He winced as a sob escaped, he didn’t even understand why he was crying. Evan was snapped from his spiralling thoughts by a warm hand on his shoulder. He leaned into the touch and was rewarded with a gentle kiss to the forehead. He felt Connor sit on the stool next to him, they both deliberately ignored the strained creak that came from the rickety wood.

They stayed like that for a few moments, Connor holding Evan with a gentle but steady grip, in almost total silence. They had done this too many times before, for each other, they both knew words were unnecessary, that it was best to let the emotions run their course and to simply be there for the other to lean on.

After a few more moments Evan’s quiet sobs had become almost unnoticeable whimpers and he all but melted into Connor’s arms. Evan looked around to the boy next to him, only now noticing the dry tear tracks down the other’s pale face. “Why are you crying?” He asked before he could stop the odd question from tumbling from his lips. Connor let out a small chuckle at the shade of red his boyfriend’s face had become. Connor used his hand to lift Evan’s chin from where he had looked down, “because that song was beautiful, and you are beautiful, and I love you more than anything I think I have ever been, and will ever be, able to love.” Connor’s heart swelled at the teary but broad smile that spread across the blond boy’s face. “I guess you’re not planning on going back to bed?”

“uh…no, I uh, couldn’t sleep” Evan stumbled out as a response, wiping the now drying tears from his eyes and face.

“I guessed that,” Connor stood, huffing a laugh at the small squeak of displeasure Evan let out at the loss of contact. “C’mon, let’s go for a walk. It’ll be sunrise soon, I bet it’ll be awesome to watch from the old orchard,”

“what, the orchard…now? It’s like, five thirty? And the middle of winter?”

“So?” Connor said turning and walking out of the room.

“It’s freezing out there,” Evan said rising from the stool and looking over to Connor who was currently standing back up after putting on his boots in the doorway of the hall.

“then wear a coat.” Connor said throwing Evan’s thickest and warmest coat towards him. Evan caught the flying item of clothing and shot Connor a heatless glare. There was a rebellious and adventurous glint in Connor’s eyes when they met Evan’s. And Evan couldn’t stop the smile from spreading across his face even if he tried. He quickly wrapped himself in his coat and a scarf before slipping his feet into his shoes. Connor grabbed his hand as he led him out of the house, shutting the door quietly behind them and making sure it was locked. They headed through the small front garden of the Hansen’s house towards the road where Connor’s beaten old car was waiting for them.

 

It didn’t take long to get there, around five minutes of singing loudly in the car, and they were there.

They climbed out of the car in synchrony and made their way over the gravel car park, now dotted with large weeds, towards the hole in the fence. They had been here so many times they could walk the path blind. After a good amount of light conversation and laughter, the two boys finally made it to the open field by the tallest tree.  

Connor paused under the tree and looked to the east seeing the lighter blue of the horizon signalling that the sun would rise soon. He turned around and looked directly into the eyes of the smaller boy. Connor started to climb, step by step, he glanced back down the trunk of the tree to see Evan following with a bright smile. Once high enough to look out over the tops of most of the trees, he stopped, waiting for Evan to catch up before settling onto a strong branch together. The sun was now beginning to make an appearance in the distance, casting a bright orange light over the horizon. Connor turned to lock at Evan, drinking in the serenity of the moment, how the colours of the sky were reflected in Evan’s wide eyes, how his lips rested in a small smile. He turned back to the sunrise, watching as the light became brighter and the colours began to shift, reflecting in the dew settled on the grass. They both sat quietly holding onto each other and the bark of the old tree, simple watching the sky and the fog of their breath. Evan moved his head to look at the other boy before he gently spoke breaking the silence, “Do you…uh, remember the cast I had at the beginning of senior year?” the words were mumbled and rushed. Connor looked closely at the smaller boy, he had a good idea what he was going to say next, but he simply hummed an affirmation and allowed the other boy to continue, turning back to face the sunrise; he knew Evan found it easier to talk when people weren’t looking directly at him. “I didn’t fall out of that tree… I uh, I just… I was… I couldn’t…” Connor continued to stare out over the trees but took Evan’s hands and squeezed tightly, urging him to continue. Connor could sense what the other boy was going to say, he had put the puzzle pieces together a long time ago, but he also knew how important it was for Evan to say this. So, he simply waited for the blonde-haired boy to say what he needed to say. Evan took a shaky breath and let out a frustrated sigh before squeezing Connors hands in return. “I…uh, I just felt so alone, and I couldn’t, I didn’t know, I just wanted, I don’t even know what I wanted, I know what I didn’t want though, that’s not what I’m trying to say, uh, what I’m trying to say is… I didn’t fall… I, uh, I let go.” Evan let out another shaky breath after he finished his rushed speech. Connor simply squeezed his hand back and answered, still looking at the sunrise.

“I know.”

“what?” Evan asked blankly still processing the situation.

“I know. I put two and two together a while ago,”

“You… don’t hate me?”

“you know what I was doing in the computer lab? Before I signed your cast?” Evan stared up at the long-haired boy who was still staring resolutely at the sky now gripping Evan’s hand tighter. “I was writing a note, I’m not really sure who to, I was just going to leave it in my pocket or something. I had the pills ready in my bag and everything, I was going to come here after school, I didn’t though, well that’s a lie, I did but I didn’t do what I was planning to. But I read your letter, and damn, it seemed so similar, and I just couldn’t. I thought nobody knew what it was like, but then suddenly there was someone who could understand, and I won’t lie, it gave me hope I don’t think I’d ever felt before. So I stayed alive to talk to you the next day, and then the day after, and the next. Just a day at a time and before I knew it, I didn’t need to convince myself to survive for you anymore.”

“me?” Evan asked breathlessly

“yeah, you,” Connor let out a small chuckle before he was nearly knocked out of the tree by Evan pulling him into a tight embrace.

They stayed and watched in silence as the sun rose on another day. Another day they had both stayed alive for, for each other.

They both descended from the tree once the sun was fully up and the cold had seeped into their bones, deciding that they should return home before Heidi called the police to report missing persons. Once on the ground and walking slowly back towards the car, Connor turned to Evan and asked him quietly, “is it me?” the blonde looked up at him, eyebrows knitted together in confusion, “The song, is it…?” Connor tried to clarify awkwardly. Evan chuckled quietly and blushed “Yes, it’s about you. I love you Connor Murphy.” he said looking up at the taller boy. Connor wrapped the smaller boy in a tight embrace pulling back for only a moment to say, “I love you too Evan Hansen.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry this took ages, I wanted to get this done for ages but uni and functioning as a human being kind of got in the way. BUT I got it finished and here it is. I'm not a massive fan of how this one ended but there will be more, I decided I'm going to write a little story for every song so theres a good few more to come. ;)


End file.
